August 26, 2009 at 6:15 pm (Uncategorized)
So… wow. School is kind of crazy. I’m taking Korean, Japanese, English Lit, Linguistics, and Creative Writing. Japanese doesn’t start until next month–so have a little breathing room at least for a while. Korean is fun. We’re done learning vowels and some consonants and have 2 pages of homework and a quiz for Monday. Not bad really. It’s going to get insane when Japanese starts up though!! EEk.
eeeeeh 疲れているね。
I’m gonna head for now… I’ll post something more substantial soon, I promise. Getting back into the swing of it is killing me!!!
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August 23, 2009 at 12:00 pm (Uncategorized)
So, if I can’t be honest here, where can I be? I’ve relapsed. I’m not going to discuss just *how* (who knows who’s reading) but f you asked me I’d tell. It wasn’t exactly planned, but I’ve already lost about 5 pounds. In two days. School starts tomorrow. If I just let *this* happen, everything will be fine. I just know it. Sad, but true.
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August 21, 2009 at 8:53 am (Uncategorized)
I am gaining weight! Yesterday I ate a salad, 2 bananas, and …. a tablespoon of peanut butter.
I weigh more than 150 pounds again.
I can’t believe it. I’ll be spending my weeks back at school in sweat pants and hoodies.
Great. Ugly and fat.
Damnit.
I really have to just not eat. Then it would be impossible to gain weight. damnitalltohell.
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August 19, 2009 at 12:56 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: autoimmune disease, Celiac, Coeliac, diet, emotions, fasting, friends, fuck, lupus, migraine, not eating, undiagnosed, weight
Well. Today I am in a Really Bad Mood and I am having bad chest pain. I’d be worried except my Dr dismissed it since it’s mainly on the right. So, obviously not a heart attack, or pericarditis or anything to worry about. *sigh*. My doctor also dismissed everything I’m currently experiencing and put it down to “air conditioning”. um. ok.
I think my kidneys might be… a little… messed up. I think that’s why I might not be losing weight. Some of the other symptoms I have could fit that too. Or maybe I’m just a hypochondriac and it’s all in my head LOL. (Man that must be some imagination!!)
My pain is really bad right now. Really bad. Annoying, very annoying. I can handle the pain in my hands better than this chest pain…
and this blog has really changed. I guess my real… feelings… are coming out here. And not just about food. Or maybe it IS all about food. I haven’t eaten today and probably won’t. It’s too… cumbersome. Along with the pain and everything. Ridiculous.
And on that note. I leave you. I keep waiting to hear from my so-called best friend. I think she’s gone for good–which really upsets me. I cry every day over it, but she just doesn’t care. *sigh*
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August 17, 2009 at 10:26 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: autoimmune disease, calories, diet, Doctor, emotions, excerise, fasting, fasting for health, fuck, juice fasting, Juices, lupus, migraine, raw food, undiagnosed, weight, weightloss
It’s been a couple of days. I’m still having nosebleeds. My doctor called me back, but I haven’t listened to the message yet. We took the dog for a long walk yesterday. It was about 92 degrees and humid as hell. I developed a rash on my face and had a migraine from hell after we got back. Not fun. I still have the migraine and feel very nauseous. It’s already about a million degrees out–so I don’t think said dog will be getting a walk today!
I’m supposed to go back to school next Monday. I’m sort of looking forward to it. Partly not because I hoped to have dropped about 30 pounds more than I have. I’m stuck. Stuck stuck stuck. Even with all the exercise I’ve been doing, and no increase in what I’m eating, not a pound lost. I hope that I’m going to get my period or something. Then maybe I can drop ten pounds soon. Fuck. I just want to take a knife and slice all this damn fat off. It sucks. I can’t believe I’m not losing ANYTHING. Given that yesterday, for example, I ate one medium bowl of oatmeal, one bowl of steamed cauliflower and … one small (very small) bowl of icecream. We took the dog for over an hour walk (brisk) plus I did step for about 20 minutes. So. WTH?
I’m going to be going back in sweats at this rate. fucker.
Anyway. I’m going to drink my diet soda (bubbles are good for nausea and caffeine for migraines (its in my meds))
Lataz
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August 14, 2009 at 3:36 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: autoantibodies, autoimmune disease, diet, exhaustion, fasting, fasting for health, headache, lupus, migraine, nosebleed, undiagnosed, weird
Spontaneous nosebleed this afternoon. I was going to work out, but I was playing with Fee first. Sitting at the computer *wham* my nose just started pouring blood. Since it’s not dry air in here, and there’s been no trauma I’m a little … worried. I feel all… lightheaded and strange now, so I’m laying down. I have to feed the dogs though–but I don’t want to get up. I feel so blah. Really exhausted in a “my bones are too heavy to carry anymore” kind of a way.
I wish I could sleep forever. Well, at least until after dinner.. 
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August 14, 2009 at 4:14 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: calories, diet, emotions, excerise, fasting, fasting for health, hunger, juice fasting, Juices, raw food, weight, weightloss
It’s 3.30am and I’m awake. Again. Sleepless and feeling shit. I had some chicken for dinner, in a fit of “OMG I’m Starving” and it’s still sitting there. The reason I stopped eating meat. I thought maybe it was just… a temporary thing, but it would appear I can’t digest meat. I feel like I wanna puke. I did just run for 10 minutes though (burning a measly 129 calories). Still… tomorrow I’ve decided to overhaul my exercise routine. Currently, it’s pretty much ZERO. Feeling so shit has me really not wanting to exercise. But, tomorrow I’m changing that.
My ideal daily work out will be:
DDR 1 hour
Walking 1/2 hour
Stepper 1/2 hour
Which will burn 1,005 calories. If I keep my current intake (about 500 calories a day or less) I should be good to go. Since exercise boosts metabolism, I should up my BMR substantially which will allow quicker and more permanent weightloss.
It just seems to take… SO DAMN LONG. I guess though, as long as I put out more than I take in then I’ll be fine. And, thinking about it, my BMR is about 1200, so add the 500 cals exercise deficit daily to that, which is 1700. That’s 2 days to lose one pound (there are 3,500 cals in a pound). 80 days (or almost 3 months) to lose the 40 pounds I want to. I should lose more than 15 pounds in the first month though…
So, here’s to the challenge. Tomorrow it begins. And, since it’s 4am, I really should get to bed.
I’m going to get up and go walk the dog. Then run out and do a couple chores, finish up some mail, do DDR around 3 or so, walk the dog again in the evening, and do step while watching tv for 30 minutes. That will mean I’ll actually burn 1, 146 calories. I feel so much better now. This, this I can stick to. Once school starts it will be harder. But, maybe I can go to the gym two days a week (tues and thurs) and do an hour on the treadmill….since it’s free for us students…
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August 13, 2009 at 11:43 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: Dr Who, friends, fuck, Harvest, harvest moon, meteor, moon, orange, Perseid, Perseids, sad, Torchwood
We went to watch the Perseid meteor shower last night. Drove 20 miles outside the city, into a park and lay on the grass (on a plastic mat) in the semi fog. It was AMAZING! They were so… huge, trails right across the sky, brilliant and white. I’ve never seen them as big as that. Other meteors I’ve seen paled in comparison. (We also learned (or relearned for me) the definitions of meteor, meteoroid, and meteorite. Crazy!) On the way back we saw the moon, hanging petulant and orange in the sky, his face full and heavy…
I feel better today (emotionally). I think I just needed to break away from someone. It hurts, because I know she will do nothing at all to come after me, nothing at all. I think it’s that indecision that I can’t stand–that blasé attitude about people–that’s driving me nuts. If I’m important to you, mail the things you promised months ago. If I’m important to you, don’t ignore me. Being newly in love is one thing, but being exclusive and divisionist is something else. It hurts that she perceives all of this as jealousy on my part. Jealous of her privileged life. Jealous of her friends. Jealous of her University. Jealous of her lover. I’m not jealous. Just very hurt and confused… and upset. I guess the biggest thing, is that even after the last time, a few weeks ago when I walked away and she didn’t even wonder where I was until someone else said something, there was no talking about it, dealing with it, everything just went right back to the way it’d been… I even went back at that time because I knew she wouldn’t bother trying to contact me. I was right.
*sigh*
Anyway, it’s done. An 11 year friendship down the pan in such a short time, and I’m the only one who gives a fuck. Makes the whole friendship seem a little… dirty some how.
Ach, it’s one of those days. I think I’ll watch me some Dr Who (watched the whole of Torchwood (Seasons 1-3) and now I need to find Captain Jack in Dr Who. LOL. Yes, I’m obsessed…
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August 12, 2009 at 4:19 pm (Uncategorized)
For many years and for various reasons most of my friendships have been made and maintained online. Today that changed. I never, ever want to make another online friend. Ever. It’s stupid and only ends up hurting me. Once something (someone) better comes along, that’s it. It’s so easy to brush aside someone who’s just a name on a screen. Just like so much dust, obscuring the view of your new life.
I don’t need people. I don’t need anyone. Friends, it turns out, are always just in it for themselves. Hey, this person makes me feel better about myself and is always around! Awesome! Only, when someone comes along who’s more real, more present, that “awesome” soon turns into a “what?” I’m tired of it. I’ve lost two of my best friends since January. I’m done with people. Done with being fucked around with. Done with being ignored, passed over, hurt. I can only take so much.
I start school soon. I like it there. There are so many people–but there’s always a quiet spot in the library or the coffee shop to sit, by myself, reading, writing, studying. Filling my brain with the comfort of solid facts. Books are my friends. They’re always there, always offering a pleasant escape, always glad to see me… always glad to share, to offer support, or to tell an interesting story. People are so selfish, so needy, so unpredictable. I don’t need friends–no one cares for me, no friends at least. I don’t need their pettiness, their asinine behaviours. I just don’t need it. I don’t need any of this bullshit anymore.
When I move to Columbus I’m going to ditch this person. Leave this stupid sappy cares-too-much girl behind. I’m going to ditch my IM accounts, all of it. If you want to be my friend you damn well better put some change into the pot, because as it stands, it’s empty as hell.
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August 11, 2009 at 4:10 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: autoantibodies, autoimmune disease, depression, diet, emotions, fasting for health, lupus, migraine, not eating, raw food, undiagnosed
I’ve had a migraine for 4 days straight. Maybe longer. I can’t remember. Everything is a blur of pain, exhaustion, and a kind of resignation to my fate.
I feel like … I’m just waiting. Maybe one day I just won’t wake up. Or I’ll have a stroke, or kidney failure, or something that it’s too late to do anything about.
All I want is to wake up without chest pain or other pain, without migraine, without nausea, feeling refreshed, on top of things, ready to go. That hasn’t happened more than a couple of times in the past 3 years.
I need my friends right now. Only they don’t seem to understand that. Chronic illness is a bitch. They make it seem like it’s my fault. Like avoiding me is the answer to all our problems. It’s not, really.
Today I ate two bananas, a teaspoon of peanut butter and a teaspoon of honey.
I napped all afternoon, but I’m still tired. I still feel sick and still have a headache.
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